There are times when I wonder what ve gotten myself into regarding this whole acting business. Sometimes I’m kind of overwhelmed by all of it: the characterization, the intense engagement with life, the feeling of exasperation I get when I’m asked to repeat something over…and over. The intense physicality of it overwhelms me. I don’t know how to be somebody else, I tell myself. It is a lie, perhaps. While I may struggle with empathy and connection to people, I am more than capable of getting outside my own head. I have to be, I tell myself. There’s no other way for me to live because the way I’m living now isn’t working. So I guess that is why I choose to continue acting. Some people may only see this as a side thing, a delightful distraction that hovers around the edge of dicking around. Playing video games non stop is dicking around. Not showering-that is the height of mindlessness and carelessness with ones energy. Acting is taking me somewhere. Where? I don’t know exactly.
on more concrete terms, I struggle with characterization and spontenaity. I am an extremely inhibited individual. The only ways I could figure out not to be inhibited were the ones that got me admitted to the psych ward. So naturally, I struggle there. My conscious mind, this deranged Organ that can’t let itself go, that wants to feed itself constantly….it tells me that I have to be the absolute best or I’m a reject or something. That putting in effort to things other than rumination is pointless because it’s not going to make a difference anyways. As for characterization it’s a related task. I might be afraid to really be a different person. Or it could be that my rigid understanding of people needs to change. I don’t know. With jack, my character, I don’t even know the first step of being him, of knowing him intimately, or at least I think I don’t. Deep down I probably know him. But there again, that’s just another example of me being stuck in my head, in my own little box.
ACtors Rehearse: Acting with disabilities. 